Waiting for Spring to Come.

Mom: you might not want to read one.

This month is a month we could not wait for it to come and go. I am trying to look at it as a good thing. We are so close to making it through the first year. It was long and hard, emotional and crazy... but it is so close to being over. I feel bad for having such bad feelings about the same year my baby was born, but the grief was and can still be so all-consuming that it often takes over any other emotions. If it was not for Makenzie, my whole family would be 10 steps behind. She forced us to keep going and to realize that we have little hearts who are learning and developing and need us to be there for them with hugs and smiles even when we don't feel like it. God gives and he takes away. Even though we don't have Tammy, we need to remember that we have Timmy and that it is beneficial to focus on the positive rather then dwell on the negetive. I keep telling myself that it can only get easier, but life just doesn't always work like that. Things keep popping up that are stressful and time consuming, but maybe it's Gods way of keeping us busy. Here are a list of things we need prayer for: wisdom for me on how to discipline Timmy , wisdom on how to manage the companies during these hard times, the capability for me to focus on work when I'm working and kids & Pete when I'm not working, praise that Timmy Ray & Pete have still been working hours comparable to last year, and for us to get through the 21st as gracefully as possible. We have all come a long way since Tammy went to Heaven but we still have a long way to go. I had no idea how hard this was going to be and I think since we have Timmy so often we realize that we are going to miss her and wish she was here for all the cute things he does. I really hope that she is in Heaven watching all of this. She would feel so loved and she would probably tell me I'm too strict with the kids, even though they are little monsters. AND she would kill me for not washing every dish in the dishwasher before letting Timmy eat on it. She would also let him eat sour cream by itself, just like she did. Timmy has so much of Tammy in him that it shows me how much of our personality is based on nature & nurture. He is OCD and loves loves loves cheese and has Tammy's same attitude when he thinks I'm being crazy. I can almost hear her sometimes when he talks. I miss her every day and I wish she was still at her home a block and a half away so that we could be with each other as often as we used to be. I cannot wait to see her in Heaven and see her smile and hear her laugh again. That's it. This is for everyone who thinks I hold everything in. I really don't, I just save it for after Timmy goes home and Makenzie's in bed and it's just me and Pete.